For posterity, the solution was to build a SAN with Windows Server 2012 and export "Storage Spaces" over iSCSI. This is a very affordable way to serve high-performance shared storage because they do SSD caching. At this point, we're probably going to move whole-hog to Hyper-V, since VMware does not offer compelling storage solutions (I get it - EMC is the majority holder - no need to explain).
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